I didn’t know what to produce, how to bring my work forward, or how to do it well. It all seemed contrary and I made the decisions the best way I could. I didn’t know the judgement call to make from a place of judgement and so I didn’t make it from there. I made it from the air.Its message. Its knowing. I didn’t know what to do. What was it I wanted to ~ when there was nothing I wanted? I was only here to do. To finish what I started. I didn’t know what to give, how to live. What was the move to make? What did you want me to prove? I didn’t know. So, I followed you.

You were the push inside of me that nagged. Subtly. Yet, relentless. You are that way now that I hear you, now that I give you your say. There isn’t any other way. I am the one who’s come undone from the constraints of my thoughts. It’s like I flip flop here and there, my mind going everywhere. Anywhere. I am floating and my memory is evaporating into dew that’s drenched with you. The way I used to be is here still, but stiller now, it doesn’t need to push so hard to get its way. But the uneasy feeling of letting go is so easy now, uncomfortably so.

I don’t know if crazy is the kind of thing that comes to mind. It’s like losing control while everything ticks without needing its tock. Clockwork doesn’t matter much. It happens anyways ~ all the right stuff.

I don’t know what I am to produce but I do it anyways. I don’t know what to decide, no calculations necessary, it just comes to me. I choose. Like random generation replaced by divine creation. There is a plan and I am one that plays my part from the bottom of my sacred heart. I don’t know if what I’m doing is causing an end or a beginning. Am I losing or still winning? Does it matter? I don’t care. I’ve become so round-a-bout, the circle I’m in carries no doubt, only action seeped in traction from a force I can’t describe that calls me deep, deep inside. The silent call tells me NOW and off I go, I do, I choose. Worry not, it says to me. There is a time when you will see the more there is for you to see. The faces that you grace today are not lost souls, but stronger men. The ones transformed by the echelon, going into bliss the long-way-round.

I don’t know how I go. I know the road that takes me there, but while on it, I feel bare. Naked. Exposed. Transposed into someone who knows but not by left brain things. By the surpassing of substance that most make their minds up from. By the task at hand which gives me the way to accomplish what I do each day. Does any of this matter? I think not. Still, I don’t stop.

I am the duality that I see. The one who lives inside this oven, cooking atoms into standing still, while the rest of me notices that it’s not a bit like the rest of this. Motionless soul wrapped in a vessel of time-bound place held in space. Suspended. Apprehended. Befriended only by my true self. The one who roams with me. Silently. So I wrestle my head to stop its bark and hold its tongue. I am the one whose time has come. I suspend my thought. Apprehend my mind, lost in time. I behold my God, moving his stillness in all of me. I lose the me, the my, the I. I lose the will to live or die. I lose the things that matter not. I lose my memory ~ I’ve now forgot.

There is a wholeness that comes when I break myself apart. I cannot start again when I see I cannot end. There is no start without a finish. I am not a man or a woman. I am not a lost one or a founder of the greatest prize. I am not a winner, or a loser. I choose only now what is the truth. There is no confusion, though nothing is the same as before. There are no portals, everything an open door. No barriers exist, no limitations, no race to chase. I am the runner who has never begun to mark his place.

I’ve come to choose. Don’t worry for me, though I haven’t a clue. All I know is that it’s right every time, when I just look inside and follow you.