I lay on my yoga map, following meditation. I feel grounded in my body. Here, is not where I want to be. Elevated, is the state I seek to rest within.My Self tells myself to lift, to bring my mind to rest, and literally, to bring the life-force upward into my crown. This I do by simply obeying my Self. I am more connected to my Self, than myself. I feel a lightness of my physical being. This is a state I prefer, though I tell myself to not be distracted and distorted by preference. Likes and dislikes, attraction and repulsion, will only keep my Self prisoner when I am thinking I am simply being myself.

As I lay in corpse pose, I sense tension in the right side of my body. All of it. It doesn’t float with the rest of me. It wants to twitch, to obey its tightness and bundled beast. Its animal demands to exert its power; live by its known rules of instinct. It does what it needs to do. It demonstates this to me. Shivers overtake me. I say, I AM THE MASTER OF THIS HOUSE! and you, Body, will do as I request. I do not tell it to relax. Rather, I attempt to demonstrate my power over it by resisting when it wants to twitch. This occurs over and over and over again. It is very uncomfortable. Still I persist. What you resist, persists.

I notice a pattern. The ongoing tension builds on my right side, then my nerves yearn to jump, to be stimulated by release. It climaxes, calms for a few seconds, then rebuilds. Repeat. Interesting? I realize this must be associated with the tension in my right calf when I am stretching into down-dog pose. This has been going on for as long as I can remember; I conjure up the past. I recognize this is a learning. A learning from listening. I recognize that the resisting gets me nowhere except in the same pattern. I also realize that all this recognizing, and learning, and listening is very distracting! A deep state of meditation is where I want to be. FOCUS! I have been detoured by the body, derailed by the mind, engaging in this game, under the guise of ‘insightful!’, ‘fruitful!’, ‘inspiring!’. This is not meditation in its better state. It is a body exercise. I want to go higher. I want to go deeper.

Everything is trying to distract me from being in that high deep place. My daily life’s events; conversations, interests, my cat (though she is super old and super cute and super alley-cat-ish). I don’t feel much like myself in most situations. But I participate, anyways, with a sense of duty.  What I want to do, and only do, is to stay in meditation for a prolonged period of time. Without my wandering soul wandering off from my soul. And yet, to simply sit, seems to be the hardest thing. To do nothing in the world is beyond difficulty. Even though there are so many lazy earthlings doing pretty much nothing…worthwhile. Motion is life. But, to sincerely engage in nothingness, while in the world, is an act of yogic transformation.

Nothingness is not renunciation. I do not have a worldly mission or a protest. I cannot say I am enlightened because I throw away my belongings. Freedom is to be myself in the world while I am impeccably aligned with my Self.

It’s the deep meditation that I want to grip me. The evaporation of the current state, from water to ether. Up the chain, to be there, in that nameless fameless nothingness. Consciousness heights that ignite the clouds. Fire. Though, I am not turned to ash.  Alchemy is not truly a process. There is no change that occurs. The change disappears. Sure, it attempts to tempt you into believing something incredibly different is happening, and within the falsification of science, one may buy into the wow of it. But I am cautious about finding another insight into myself, at the risk of losing focus and insulting my Self. Hocus focus.