I wanted his red T-shirt. The one he left this world in.

‘You don’t want his shirt,’ the mortician said. ‘It was ripped. We had to cut it off him. I don’t think I even know where it is.’ I followed his eyes down as he glanced towards the garbage can.

‘This is garbage,’ I thought, ‘you not realizing how much any part of him, let alone his last T-shirt, could matter to someone like me.’ But I stood still without a word, as if it doesn’t matter, as I know these worldly things are like a thread flying in the wind.

Windy Words
left unheard
in the silence
they lay ringing 
can you hear
the angels singing?

There were many questions then. How did it happen? WHY? When? They didn’t matter either. Still, I stored them up inside to hide and let them out, bit by bit, when I could make some sense of it. An itty bitty this or, at times, what seemed a bigger revelation. Awesome! Though, was anything ever awesome any more? Another question. Added it to my book of wondering deep inside. Then, went on living, even though it felt like I wasn’t.

Many say Nature is good. I have mixed feelings. In solitude I like to commune with Her. Have the animals approach and energize me when I feel them connect, though they are driven by instinct. It seems some are possessed by a human soul attempting to message me. But is that just me searching for a connection…everywhere? Wanting an answer. Why? It seems purposeful, wanting to know. Deep. Like the ocean. But, I am Nature’s fool. She’s a trickster, I’ve come to see. Falling in Her reverie. In fact, She is The Wind, swooning, this then that. Opposites attract.

I don’t want to know Her like I used to. She’s relaxing yet distracting. The stuff illusion’s made of. Symbolically, still, I watch Her. I hear Her. In poetry She speaks. Of you. Of how it doesn’t matter after all. And how it all goes. Away.

Windy Words
 left unheard
 in the silence
they’re still speaking 
 can you hear
 the angels singing?

I call your name. I spell it out. It sounds, it looks, beauuutiful! Fills me with LOVE like you always did. I hashtag it #jarvisbenoit and tweet it away. Then, I check to see if anyone else has tagged it. No one. No matter. Like what I write, you’ve gone away.

Windy Words
left unheard
in the silence 
they lay ringing 
can’t you hear 
the angels singing?

I left my house. For a while. I thought, ‘I need to do this.’ It’s been 13 years since you left. And many days long overdue since I’ve seen you outside or in. Have you begun again? I know you never really died. In my mind’s eye I see you all the time ‘up there’. You’re mature, not that you weren’t beyond your years when you were here. Though your sister would remember you otherwise, the spats you had. In her eyes I see those times hidden. They were so few and far between, how can one think about being mean when she loves and misses you so dearly?

We weep inside. Weeping. It’s like there’s another thing going on all the time while we’re living this life without you, no, with you, while you’re in heaven. Do you like it there? Are you happy like you were? I’m kind of glad you’re there. Only selfish me wants you here to suffer with us in deluded misery. How, oh how, I wouldn’t want you to get attached to the stupidity of the world’s lair! It’d keep you here. When you belong there ~ with better ones. Blow me away! Won’t you? Ashes to ashes. We couldn’t bury you.

Windy Words
  left unheard
  in the silence
  they lay ringing 
can you hear
  the angels singing?

‘Live now! Live forever!’ I shout it like it’s a command. Yet it’s the only way things are. ALIVE! I am trying to solve a riddle that doesn’t exist. There is no answer. There is no question!

There is no worry. There is no hurry. There is no time. Timeless is our bliss. There is no confusion, only delusion. There is only you and only me, and billions, free!

There are endless words ringing but no one need speak. It’s a play on words that goes unheard. We keep them there. The ether’s bare with nothingness yet full of this. Foolishness. I’m not scared of you. Here or gone. I miss you like mad yet still I’m glad you’ve moved beyond. You earned it without trying. That’s the best. You must have had the past that made you last only a short while with us. Till you gave up the ghost and left us the joke. That’s so like you. Oh, blue, blue, blue, how I longed for you. But it’s over, isn’t it? The fuss. It was too much, how deep we were together. Everything comes and everything goes. Still, we’re entangled. Like that everything. Atoms.

On angel’s wings you fly and I will ‘die’ one day and see you at that turning point. You will laugh when we see each other, won’t you?

Windy Words
  left unheard
  in the silence
you are speaking  
  can you hear
  the angels singing?

Someday I will break this bubble. The one I saw your father floating in. Someday I will erase my mistakes and let it all go. The grand drama show. I think I’m calm. But here I am, writing like a fool while you’re long gone. I’m still here unfolding time. In my yoga I see you. There is a master guiding me and with your sister sits an angel. In a magic corner chair floating in thin air in Williamstown.

Windy Words
  left unheard
  in the silence
  they lay ringing 
  can you hear
  the angels singing?

I got wrapped up in it all the while, while I was trying not to. Resisting it. Aversion. That snake that bit Desire’s tail that tweaked its eat of Ignorance. Nature’s dance! The cycle of the way of life. Tao me now! Bloom, new moon.

Is there room for me ‘up there’? Do you remember me? Or have we both forgotten this as we move to God’s great head? All questions now, they’re laid to rest. The answer is not no, not yes.

Windy Words
  left unheard
  in the silence
  they lay ringing 
I can hear
the angels singing!

Whisper,  whisper,  whispering
wake up, now
you’re in a dream.